Feeling so alone….

There are MANY times that I have cried out that I am alone, only to hear others say that I am not alone…that they are with me…that I have a lot of family and friends.   I will deny a lot of that. HOWEVER, I do have family and I do have friends.  These people love me.  I am not alone because I lack people…I am alone because the anxiety and depression isolate me.

I want to be able to be around people and loved for what I am feeling and who I am…all of me. I don’t want to put on a front, which is what I feel I must do a lot of the time.

 

When I am down, I am really down.  I shouldn’t have to pretend that all is okay.

 

It’s going to be hard, but I have to continue to push myself so that I am not isolating myself.  I may feel bad at the moment, but in order to not feel alone, I need to get out there.

 

It will get better and eventually I won’t feel alone.  I will find that I am doing things and am with people that I enjoy….

When we feel alone, that is the time that we must push ourselves to be with people.  You can feel alone in a crowd…..  Find your crowd though where you can be you.

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What we tell ourselves shapes our mood?

What we tell ourselves shapes our mood and how we live.  I have been feeling down lately…BECAUSE I keep reminding myself of all this bad stuff that has happened in the past, that I am afraid is going to happen again.  I was triggered about a week ago and after that, one thing leads to another….and it’s all harsh.

I tell myself that I will be sick..that I will never be able to go to the doctors, that no one will ever want me, that I will never be able to be comfortable with a partner if they even think I’m good enough, that I am fat, that I am ugly…..no wonder I feel so sad.

What I need to do is ….remind myself that I have been in relationships before and felt comfortable, that people have been attracted to me, that people have loved me…that people still do love me….that if I feel sick, I will feel well again….that I may be a few extra pounds, but thank God I am able to eat, because just last year I couldn’t even keep food down..and I am not in that same place….I am not ugly in someone’s eyes.

What we think….determines our mood.  It’s when we are feeling so bad, we need to push ourselves just a little more …to pick ourselves up and turn that talking and thinking around to more realistic options.  Do we dare think positive?

ON GUARD

Have you ever felt on guard?  Full disclosure, I am feeling “on guard” today.  And I have been feeling that way for the past few days.  Total disclosure. Feeling stuck..on guard. The true story…..

I was triggered. I woke up one Monday with terrible dizziness (this was last week).  I thought…”ut oh..” this is anxiety.  It was at least making me feel anxious. I tried to push through the day, as most of my life…and what I heard was my mom saying “it’s probably all in your head…just nerves.”  Or something like that. Always brushed aside.  The next day, I still felt dizzy.  The third day, still felt dizzy…but each day it was getting better.  I thought that maybe it was the medicine that I was taking (as it says not to take with anything grapefruit and the day before the dizziness, I had grapefruit flavored water.  I know..there will probably be someone here to tell me that couldn’t have done it.  I just know that I wasn’t anxious until I had the feeling.

Then on Friday, I was to get my hair cut and I was also to meet a friend.  That day, although I didn’t have the dizziness, I felt scared..off I guess.  Wanted to cry. I was afraid that I would have the dizziness and have panic getting my hair cut.  I just didn’t feel up to it…but I did it anyway. Before I went though, I decided to get chicken tenders so I wasn’t hungry and facing low blood sugar.  I ate the chicken tenders and after eating them felt extremely sick to my stomach.  So ..that just escalated my thoughts and anxiety. I do not like feeling sick to my stomach.  I was sick last year and couldn’t eat.

I did get my hair cut. But while in the chair, the fear of a burning back and sweating and panicking…actually happened.  I was going to tell the person (I get my hair cut in her house), but was scared.  If I did, it would be a big deal and I didn’t want that..so I just suffered through it.  I played it off…as I always have…so that people don’t talk about me or worry about me (because that only worries me).  I got through that and got my hair cut. I got in my car and I was feeling a little hungry but sick at the same time.  Then the thought about not being able to eat again..came to me. It was like my biggest fears were haunting me. I panicked at the thought and the memory of the year before when I would be sick if I ate or didn’t eat. I could hardly work. I was so sick.  And that is what I was feeling that day. It was awful.  I went home and forced myself to eat stuff, but didn’t want to.

I was supposed to be meeting a friend that night. A guy.  For something to eat.  Great..right? So before I went to see him, I made sure to eat some spaghetti..something easy to get down at that moment so I didn’t have to eat anything big with him or in case I didn’t eat at all.  Why was this happening to me? I wanted to be able to enjoy myself.

I got ready to go see him…hadn’t seen him in a year.  The last time I saw him, I was about 20 pounds lighter (because I had lost so much weight from being so sick for so long and not being able to eat).  I didn’t really put a lot of effort into getting ready…because I was afraid of his reaction to my weight.  I was also worried about never being able to eat again.

I got in the car…and I went to see him.

When I saw him…it was good to see him. He looked good, but all I could think of was that he was repulsed by me.  He asked if I was nervous and I tried to play it off and say that I wasn’t. I wasn’t really nervous about meeting him; I was nervous about all the stuff going on in my head.

We decided to take a ride around his town and find a place to get something to eat. In the car, he told me about a woman he just started talking to…he has a connection with her. Jealous? Eh..maybe a little..but I tried to play it cool as only a friend would. That is what we are…friends.  I wish I could be the girl for him because he really is a great guy.  But I know I could never make him happy because I would need constant reassurance with him, I think.

Anyway, we ended up going to a pizza place and eating outside. I just got a salad.  But I did eat it..thank God. Wasn’t sure if it was going to go down.  Then we went and got a snowball.

After we went back to his place for a few minutes. I played with his dog…and then left.

From there, I felt bad. I felt really bad..because that day made me realize that I am not normal and will probably never find anyone to love me for me.

I have also been having problems with my arms for some time…..I really believe I have two torn rotator cuffs (that’s not anxiety…that’s not in my head..I’m not a hypochondriac). Anyway….I can’t go to the doctor’s because I am afraid of having a panic attack. I can’t get an MRI that would be required to diagnose this because I’m afraid of having a panic attack.  And when you have a panic attack…you always think that this time could be different.  Maybe something bad will happen…like you fear and it’s not just anxiety..or you will be different than others and your panic will allow you to pass out…which is my biggest fear.

So all of these thoughts go through my  head…and make me feel stuck..and on guard.

The next day was July 4.  I sent a message to my brother to check in with him. He told me that he was having his daughter and inlaws over for a small get together for the 4th of July.  I was alone on the 4th of July.  I wasn’t invited and certainly didn’t want to be invited out of obligation..but it just made me sad. There I am ..alone, no man, feeling bad about myself, feeling scared…and now my own family…well…I feel like I don’t have one. My parents both passed away and I haven’t been the same since then.

But I have to go on. No one wants to hear how I really feel.  I need to get over it….

So ..now  I sit on guard. I was doing so good…for awhile…and now I am back to being scared..on guard..wondering when/if I will feel good again.  I want to meet someone..to have a partner…but I’m afraid of that sick feeling.

I just want to cry.

 

I felt fine yesterday…why do I feel so bad today?

Yesterday, you felt like a “normal” person.  You felt like you could do anything. You didn’t have any anxiety or hardly any. You got through and it felt good.

Today,  you are having problems….feeling bad again.

I know it doesn’t feel good, but it’s okay.

This does happen…and that’s okay.

“Normal” people have good days and bad days.   You are “normal.”

We can sometimes scare ourselves though saying that because we feel this way, it’s going to last forever.   Sometimes things come out of the blue and we are not sure why we are feeling bad, so we go searching for answers.  All of this can increase the anxiety.

Let the feeling be there.  This will pass as it has in the past.  Try not to get down on what you are experiencing right now. Practice your coping skills. Come back to the here and now.

You will feel good again.

You felt fine yesterday and you WILL feel okay again.

 

Second Fear

Second fear? “What is second fear?” you might ask.   “I thought there was only one…FEAR.”

Well there is..but we can make it worse by adding second fear (and that is usually what happens which leads us to avoiding places and dreading our days).

 

How does it work?

First you have a thought or a physical symptom.  You think..whoa that was weird, as most people do.  But…then comes the inner dialogue …”what if I faint?,” “what if I say something/do something inappropriate?,” “what if I am going crazy?,” “what if….what if…what if…”

 

Your what if’s are also known as your second fear.

 

When we add that second fear (which comes naturally at first), we are telling ourselves that what we are feeling/thinking is bad.  Those “what if’s” are what gets the adrenaline going and our body ready to fight or flee from a perceived threat.  There really is no threat…although our mind is telling us that it surely is.

 

When you find yourself “what iffing” which leads to more “what iffing,” and the anxiety rising, try not to engage.   As you practice, you will find that the second fear doesn’t come as automatic anymore.  Or when it does, you may be to the point where you say “so what.”