Have you ever felt on guard? Full disclosure, I am feeling “on guard” today. And I have been feeling that way for the past few days. Total disclosure. Feeling stuck..on guard. The true story…..
I was triggered. I woke up one Monday with terrible dizziness (this was last week). I thought…”ut oh..” this is anxiety. It was at least making me feel anxious. I tried to push through the day, as most of my life…and what I heard was my mom saying “it’s probably all in your head…just nerves.” Or something like that. Always brushed aside. The next day, I still felt dizzy. The third day, still felt dizzy…but each day it was getting better. I thought that maybe it was the medicine that I was taking (as it says not to take with anything grapefruit and the day before the dizziness, I had grapefruit flavored water. I know..there will probably be someone here to tell me that couldn’t have done it. I just know that I wasn’t anxious until I had the feeling.
Then on Friday, I was to get my hair cut and I was also to meet a friend. That day, although I didn’t have the dizziness, I felt scared..off I guess. Wanted to cry. I was afraid that I would have the dizziness and have panic getting my hair cut. I just didn’t feel up to it…but I did it anyway. Before I went though, I decided to get chicken tenders so I wasn’t hungry and facing low blood sugar. I ate the chicken tenders and after eating them felt extremely sick to my stomach. So ..that just escalated my thoughts and anxiety. I do not like feeling sick to my stomach. I was sick last year and couldn’t eat.
I did get my hair cut. But while in the chair, the fear of a burning back and sweating and panicking…actually happened. I was going to tell the person (I get my hair cut in her house), but was scared. If I did, it would be a big deal and I didn’t want that..so I just suffered through it. I played it off…as I always have…so that people don’t talk about me or worry about me (because that only worries me). I got through that and got my hair cut. I got in my car and I was feeling a little hungry but sick at the same time. Then the thought about not being able to eat again..came to me. It was like my biggest fears were haunting me. I panicked at the thought and the memory of the year before when I would be sick if I ate or didn’t eat. I could hardly work. I was so sick. And that is what I was feeling that day. It was awful. I went home and forced myself to eat stuff, but didn’t want to.
I was supposed to be meeting a friend that night. A guy. For something to eat. Great..right? So before I went to see him, I made sure to eat some spaghetti..something easy to get down at that moment so I didn’t have to eat anything big with him or in case I didn’t eat at all. Why was this happening to me? I wanted to be able to enjoy myself.
I got ready to go see him…hadn’t seen him in a year. The last time I saw him, I was about 20 pounds lighter (because I had lost so much weight from being so sick for so long and not being able to eat). I didn’t really put a lot of effort into getting ready…because I was afraid of his reaction to my weight. I was also worried about never being able to eat again.
I got in the car…and I went to see him.
When I saw him…it was good to see him. He looked good, but all I could think of was that he was repulsed by me. He asked if I was nervous and I tried to play it off and say that I wasn’t. I wasn’t really nervous about meeting him; I was nervous about all the stuff going on in my head.
We decided to take a ride around his town and find a place to get something to eat. In the car, he told me about a woman he just started talking to…he has a connection with her. Jealous? Eh..maybe a little..but I tried to play it cool as only a friend would. That is what we are…friends. I wish I could be the girl for him because he really is a great guy. But I know I could never make him happy because I would need constant reassurance with him, I think.
Anyway, we ended up going to a pizza place and eating outside. I just got a salad. But I did eat it..thank God. Wasn’t sure if it was going to go down. Then we went and got a snowball.
After we went back to his place for a few minutes. I played with his dog…and then left.
From there, I felt bad. I felt really bad..because that day made me realize that I am not normal and will probably never find anyone to love me for me.
I have also been having problems with my arms for some time…..I really believe I have two torn rotator cuffs (that’s not anxiety…that’s not in my head..I’m not a hypochondriac). Anyway….I can’t go to the doctor’s because I am afraid of having a panic attack. I can’t get an MRI that would be required to diagnose this because I’m afraid of having a panic attack. And when you have a panic attack…you always think that this time could be different. Maybe something bad will happen…like you fear and it’s not just anxiety..or you will be different than others and your panic will allow you to pass out…which is my biggest fear.
So all of these thoughts go through my head…and make me feel stuck..and on guard.
The next day was July 4. I sent a message to my brother to check in with him. He told me that he was having his daughter and inlaws over for a small get together for the 4th of July. I was alone on the 4th of July. I wasn’t invited and certainly didn’t want to be invited out of obligation..but it just made me sad. There I am ..alone, no man, feeling bad about myself, feeling scared…and now my own family…well…I feel like I don’t have one. My parents both passed away and I haven’t been the same since then.
But I have to go on. No one wants to hear how I really feel. I need to get over it….
So ..now I sit on guard. I was doing so good…for awhile…and now I am back to being scared..on guard..wondering when/if I will feel good again. I want to meet someone..to have a partner…but I’m afraid of that sick feeling.
I just want to cry.