Your head is muffled. You have so many thoughts going through your mind. You try to pay attention to each one. However, it’s sad, it’s scary, it’s overwhelming. You want to scream. You want to cry. You want to die. You just want to stop feeling this way. Why me? I have heard it before….”it could be worse.” You can’t imagine it being any worse. You are almost jealous of the person who is sick with cancer, because at least there is a reason for their pain and sick feeling. Yours is “all in your head.” And you can’t get rid of it.
You don’t think that anyone understands (although they say they do). You think that what you have is worse than what they ever had or could imagine. Maybe what you have is not anxiety? But something else…so you go searching. You just want to be normal. You don’t want to live like this. You feel as though you can do so much more if IT was not around. Sometimes, you are afraid of the next day. Sometimes, you are afraid of everything. You don’t trust.
But..that can change from one minute to the next. One day..you feel great….and can’t even imagine feeling bad again. Yet another, you feel terrible…like in a hole that has no light…and can’t imagine feeling better.
It’s tough. That’s an understatement, isn’t it?
You wish that it didn’t exist. Why do people have to suffer?
Why do I have to suffer? I feel so sorry for myself sometimes. Why must I put on a happy face, go to work, raise my child and keep pushing for yet another day (of misery)?
Why? Because not every day is another day of misery. Today could be your last day of misery. Recovery from anxiety and depression can be right around the corner (literally). And to be honest with you, what other choice do I have? Suicide is not an option (although it has crossed my mind on many occasions…).
I won’t lie and say that it’s easy. I have been struggling living with anxiety all of my life. I look back to my child hood days, being in elementary school, when sitting in the gym with the entire school (for some sort of awards ceremony), I would have a hard time catching my breath. I would have to yawn to breathe. Saliva would fall from my mouth on to the floor because I was trying so hard to get that yawn out.
I wouldn’t dare tell anyone what was going on. I wonder why even at that age, I held back. I still do hold back. I try to talk to others. I cry. However, those that don’t experience anxiety and depression in the clinical sense don’t really understand. They have their own problems. They try..they are nice..they listen…but they can’t do this for me. They can’t make it all go away.
There are a few memories that I have, where I can say “was that the first time I panicked or had anxiety?” I really don’t know when the first time was that it took over my life. I do know that there have been many times that I was so uncomfortable in my own body, extremely nauseated and felt as though I was being suffocated. My head would feel funny. Pins and needles would engulf my head, my entire body. Still to this day, I struggle with the same symptoms. I struggle with other symptoms now too…like hot flushes, beating heart out of nowhere.
I keep going on though. Each new challenge is to have a reason. Right? This use to be easy…not anymore.
I will look back on these days and see meaning in it all. Right?
Could it be so that I could help others? Did I have to suffer so that others would not have to suffer? Maybe. Is this my purpose? To get the word out about anxiety disorders? To help others live fulfilling lives? To press on and to inspire? Maybe. Why me? Why not.
It’s not easy, but we are not alone with our struggle. And…it does get better. Even if for a day..a week. That is what we hold on to. I hate it when I say that I just want to be normal, only to get the response “what is normal?” What IS normal?
Whether just facing anxiety/depression or having had it for awhile, many questions arise. Sometimes we don’t know what direction to turn. We don’t know where to start. I hope that my daily inspirations will help you..help yourself.
I’m still a work in progress. I wish someone would help me.
Please go the BLOG section of this site to see daily skills and personal struggles along the way.